Bicycle Emptiness

Thrash Metaller spotted in bike shop:

Witnesses say that ex Lunatic Lucy drummer, Mark “Mark, touch and die” Greenleaf was witnessed entering the cycle emporium “Wild Side” in Camden Road, Tunbridge Wells on two consecutive days at around lunch time this week. One lady revealed “My head was turned by a staggeringly gorgeous hunk of a man charismatically jogging across the road between the fast moving traffic in what seemed like slow motion….. and then this ugly idiot got in the way of my view!” Amazingly it turns out that this “ugly idiot” was none other than the sticky stick man of rock himself, recently spotted together with other random members of former high rolling funk rock band Lunatic Lucy.

On questioning the staff of the soft-porn bicycle showroom, it seems that Mark does have something to hide after all…….

For the past few days the blisters on the all of the drummers digits have been progressively worsening. It appears that in addition to his neighbours complaints of loud banging from next door sparking rumours that reformation practice may be under way, the mistreatment of recreational sports equipment is also in question. Tom of Wild Side stated “The dude has issues, dude! He’s wrecked his ten year old Ridgeback riding like his band’s namesake; Lucy. The guy has no concept of danger. He’s lucky to be alive.”

One onlooker witnessing the transaction exclaimed “I wish he’d spend it on drum lessons instead”.

Does this leave the drummer with a transport dilemma? It’s a long walk from Pembury-hence the blisters. Business has not been kind to him so how will he afford the new wheels? Could his visit to cycle heaven be another indication that gigs are to follow? Will the overdoses and physical excesses of these shadowy characters of rock never end?

For now at least, it’s only safe to say…I don’t know.

Ozzy Osbourne sent this message of love to our Mark; “Stick to four wheels mate, it’s loads safer.” Or at least he might have done if we could’ve gotten through his pesky security.

Reports coming out of Kings Hill suggest that there may be some truth in the rumours of Lunatic Lucy's imminent resurrection. Ex-Lucy rhythm guitarist John "Labouring fretboard" Collins has been seen entering the Kings Hill doctor's surgery on two separate occasions this week. Discussions overheard within have suggested he is suffering from a lacerated throat, thought to have been brought about by taking vocal lead at a recent clandestine gathering of the group.

An employee of the surgery, who wanted to be named but wasn't sure how to spell it, said: "I was just completing a form or something and then in he came. I couldn't be certain at first that it was him - the years haven't been kind to him - but when he declared his name, I was left in little doubt."

We were then told of a source at the Tunbridge Wells surgery who had heard what sounded like Lunatic Lucy's "trademark licks" coming from the first floor of a music store last Sunday. "But what was different was that it sounded very much like Collins was singing. I don't know what happened to Dale...er...whatsisname but there was definitely a different, actually much better, vocal arrangement this time round."

It is not known precisely what drugs were prescribed to Collins but, given his history of drugs dependency (in particular vitamins A, B6, B12, C, D, thiamin and riboflavin), it is thought to have been a week's course of antibiotics, perhaps even anaesthetic throat spray although no-one was available to corroborate this.

When we tried to visit Collins' house last night, we were told he had moved from there four years ago. When we tried the next address, it would appear he and his family had moved out two years before. No-one is clear as to his current whereabouts but it is widely thought his compulsion for moving house is linked in some way the orbit of Saturn.

More news on the reformation of Lunatic Lucy as we have it.

Armless Fun

Amidst claims that the record breaking boy band “Lunatic Lucy” are to reform, failed guitarist and co-founding member of Lucy, Mark “Ho Ho Ho Green Giant” Greenleaf has apparently been spotted in the Tunbridge Wells area sporting a new arm.

Sources suggest that Mark was the first member of the hit 90’s metal group to retire due to the fact that he lost an arm in an egg whisk incident - although for many years it was uncertain which arm had failed to remain attached after the disaster.

In the mid-nineties, the tub thumper turned instrument repairer and maker produced some of his best work. It was thought at the time that his life affirming change in direction was just another failed attempt for this sad man to spend time in the company of musicians. But when we caught up with his fiancé – professional pianist, accompanist and music teacher she insisted that this couldn’t be further from the truth, stating; “This couldn’t be further from the truth”

Mark went on to produce many unusual and exotic string instruments including the ill fated triple bass; a ‘cello so large that even John “I can play anything me” Coombs – ex Lucy bassist couldn’t find a small Italian sports car long enough to transport it. There has even been rumor that the frustration leading to “axe man Al’s” recent Rover 75 in swimming pool assault may also have had something to do with the vehicle’s inability to haul John’s massive instrument.

Sources close to the stick wielder state fervently that the loss of limb was not merely an elaborately staged plot to give Greenleaf the excuse he needed to purchase a brand new electric drum kit.

We caught up with limb deficient Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen at a recent come back gig in Sheffield, but the drummer was apparently unavailable to comment on the limb fixing allegations any more than “Get Rocked”.

Rover the Top

Troubled artist and former Lunatic Lucy guitarist Alastair Dracup, was involved in a bizarre stunt involving a Rover 75 and a swimming pool, it was revealed yesterday.

It appears Dracup, 35, has once again fallen into his old ways of rock and roll excess, amidst the backdrop of rumours that the seminal 90’s rock group Lunatic Lucy were to reform. During one of his food fuelled lunch breaks, the Wild man of Rock plunged new depths of hedonism.

One eye-witness said “We saw the whole thing. We didn’t realise he was famous.”

The incident occurred during the early hours of Wednesday afternoon outside Maidstone Leisure Centre, where he had parked the classic car in a Parent and Child bay without apparently qualifying for the space. An official from the local swimming pool and amenity centre said he was asked politely to move his car to a normal bay.

When questioned, Dracup offered the following explanation, “I felt so embarrassed. I apologised and moved it immediately. I did think at the time it looked a bit bigger than the rest.”

His long-suffering girlfriend said “Alastair may seem crazy sometimes when he does these things, but I think it’s a cry for help. He’s promised to go on an advanced driver’s course to help with his problem.”

Other stars to have owned a “75” include Fred Dinenage and Mao Tse-Tung.

Keith Moon was unvailable for comment.

Lunatic Lucy To Reform?

The music world is once again afloat with rumours of an imminent reformation of the 90’s rock band “Lunatic Lucy”

Lunatic Lucy shocked the music world when, in the mid nineties, announced that they were to split at the height of their stardom. The cracks had begun to appear in the band with the departure of drummer and founder member Mark Greenleaf after what the band have only ever referred to as “The egg whisk incident”. The band continued with replacement drummer Lucy Randall and a string of lead singers but many claimed never quite regained the magic of the original line up.

The four founder members Alastair, John, John and Mark have been sighted together recently in Kent, sparking rumours that they are planning a reunion, possible tour dates and even new material. Having given the music industry such treasures as “Carousel”, “Paraphernalia” and “Face the Music” any new material would be a welcome boost to recession hit music sales and some predict could single handedly save the British and global economy.

Using earnings from their success after the split the four members went on to have many ill fated business endeavours. Notably “The John Coombs School of Teaching Bass Tuition School” where John tried unsuccessfully to pass on his inimitable bass style to a new generation of bass players. John Collins disappeared early in 2001 claiming he was leaving the U.K. to start a Moisture Farm on Tatooine and has only recently reappeared amid claims of bankruptcy. Mark Greenleaf has reportedly lost huge sums of money in developing his signature musical instruments including “The Greenleaf Triple Bass”, a 15ft tall stringed instrument. Alastair Dracup has apparently faired better than his ex bandmates since the split and claims on his Facebook page "to be the proud owner of a Rover 75” although this claim has yet to be verified.

No one from the band has been available to comment on these new developments. Ex Take That member Robbie Williams, himself frequently the subject of reformation rumours and was once thought to have left Take That to follow a more credible rock direction and take on singing duties with Lunatic Lucy, when asked about the rumours of new Lunatic material said: “I have never heard of this band”. Music impresario Simon Cowell was questioned yesterday whether he would be interested in signing a reformed Lunatic Lucy stated, “How did you get this number? This is a private line, I’m calling the police if this harassment continues”. So it seems the music industry is remaining tight lipped at present.